Lies we tell ourselves

Writers like to torture themselves. As a writer I am part of this sick group of individuals that find it fun/funny (I don’t know anymore) to try and write a novel in a month.

I think then we like to move on and torture our characters…

I haven’t watched or read much this month (perfect time to come back to blogging kimchi) because for the first time I’m taking part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). The stars have aligned for my writing since I just finished making my outline in time for November. I could finally take part in NaNoWriMo since I was ready to start writing my rough draft. So lucky right?

Writing memes first line

My title may feel a bit off but I wanted to talk about the excuses that writers (you can insert artist, ect ;)) use when they are writing.

I was in the stage for many years where I would just talk about writing… And not write. I never called myself a writer until I finished my first novel.

So dear writer. Stop talking and start writing. What is holding you back? Chances are you are a reader and you already understand what makes a good story. Are you scared that someone will read it? In one of my favorite books on writing Bird by Bird she says, “No one will read your shitty first drafts.” See that?

It is okay for your first draft to be a mess. It is okay that your character’s sword disappeared for five chapters then suddenly appeared in their had when it was left in the trunk of their car (Very specific example 😀 ).

It is okay for it to be a mess. So what is stopping you?

“I don’t have time to write.”

hmm Okay life is busy. I get that. So do you want to be a writer? Is it something that burns in your bones? Do your characters scream at you to come out of your head? Is there this really cool idea that you thought of for years?

Well, I have no easy advice but we make time for what is important to us. We really do. I complained that I didn’t have time for years and yet I had time to marathon a kdrama… So think about where you are spending your time.

I used to guard my “nothing” time.

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What is “nothing” time? Well it was that time where I would rush home so I could do nothing. I guarded that time like a crazy person. It was a bit insane. I thought my nothing time made me happy but in the end it just made my depression worse.

When I started taking my “nothing” time and turn it into time for my goals, things started to get better.

So take a look at your time and how you use it. I’m in no way saying that you should feel bad for watching show, playing games, or just having fun. We need those things just as much. But like I said. If you really want to do something you will find the time to do it.

 

There will always be an excuse to not start something today. Life will never stop or calm down. You just need to sit down and do it. Give it your best.

This was the worse week time wise for my writing. My personal goal was to hit 2k a day for the month of November. Then life decided that it would hit me with everything at once. But you know what… I made the time. One day I finished at 11:59pm.

Word count

But I hit my 2k words eve-ry-day. I will keep on going this month. Even though for NaNoWriMo the goal is 50k I am a crazy person and set my goal for 60k this month.

I know it is possible. This draft isn’t pretty but I sat down and made the time. There will always be an excuse. A problem. A lie that we tell ourselves.

But keep on going. It is possible to hit those goals even with dark days. But let’s save those dark days for editing…

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Happy Watching!

 

Story Vs Life: Going into the darkness

Ever love someone so much that you would kill for them? How about  manipulate them so they start to get isolated?

No?

Good.

Cause that is some crazy S*** right there.

However, in our watching a reading I find that these kind of manipulative romances are a huge draw for readers (*cough cough Twilight). And that is 100% okay! Reading about it and saying that it is healthy are two different things.

To get to the point one of my favorite Webtoons recently is “My Deepest Secret.” It is about a guy named Elios who will do anything for his girlfriend Emma.

Elios Deepest Secret Kill

See here Emma things he is being hyperbolic…

Now this is were sometimes stories make me feel like I am crazy. I read this webtoon and I LIKE Elios. I like this guy who is manipulating her to be alone and hurting others for her. Does this mean I want a sociopath boyfriend? No, it does not.

I like the story. I like his character. In real life this would be a run for the hills situation. But Emma doesn’t know this yet. She doesn’t know what he is doing and only the reader does.

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This is something the writer really does well. We can feel frustrated at Emma and yell at our screen for her to get out but she doesn’t see it. She only sees the side of him that cares about her.

I think that is something we need to remember when we want to judge others to harshly. When you are in that situation of manipulation you really don’t see it.

Elios and Emma

When she sees this Elios is just a kind caring boyfriend. When we see it we think “Oh god he is gonna kill someone.”

I think my point is that stories like this are great when they are just stories. I think there is a fine line to walk when we romanticize  abusive relationships. I think it is harder to see the manipulation sometimes. I didn’t think Edward in Twilight was manipulated the first time I read it as a young woman. Now as an adult my brain screams “Warning Warning Danger!”

However, like I said before there is nothing wrong with enjoying it as a story. Hopefully in your life relationships like this just stay in the story and not in your real life.

I think this post got away from me a bit. I didn’t want it to be a discouragement to read this webtoon. I really want you to! I think it is a great story with great characters! It is very thrilling and honestly every week I’m frustrated since I want to find out what happens!

I just also find it fascinating that I find this character sympathetic. Which is honestly… Hats off to the writer. If you can make me love a killer… Well, you did your job.

Elios Deepest Secret

This scene didn’t hurt either.

Since I’m shallow like that 😉

In the end this is an interesting story and I think we are all waiting for the ball to drop when Emma finds out who Elios really is…

Happy Watching!

(Warning:  This webtoon has harm happen to an animal at the start, just to warn you. That was hard for me to read).

The ups and downs: Learning to push through Failure

I remember my excitement when Auri invited me to participate in the Animanga Festival. I vanished again and I wasn’t sure how exactly to come back to my dear blog and my dear blog friends. I thought this would be a great way to see what everyone had been up to and get back to my routine that I had in 2018.

I made plans but I didn’t make the posts. This turned out to be a mistake since I found out I would need surgery and I had no posts ready to go to set up that would publish while I recovered. (RIP gallbladder).

I took this with my usually mood– Disappointed that I wasn’t prepared and put it in the pile of “pushed back deadlines” where my first book ended up a long with other things.

The first lesson on failure:  Failing is temporary.

I have to remind myself that I’m not done. Even though I had plans to publish in February 2020 pushing it back is not a failure. It was something that sucked yes, but I have no plans of giving up. I am still going to publish in 2020 and even though it is later it actually might be a better option for me.

The second lesson on failure:  Sometimes failing is disguised as an opportunity.

When my husband lost his job I had to use my saved editing money to pay the bills. I will be honest. I was mad at him and mad at his company that betrayed him. Then there was this small part of me that was relieved. Honesty time, I’m scared as all get out to put my work out there. I remembered my old mindset that –if I didn’t try I wouldn’t fail… Well, I can tell you now that isn’t true.

So I took this moment as a gift of more time. I decided that my first book was something that did need a lot more work. Then I took a closer look an there were a lot of problems. I decided to put my beloved first book away (for now) and I started something new.

Even though the money thing sucked (it always does) and I have to start over saving for an editor, I found that this time gave me a chance to step  back and make something that could be my best work yet.

The third lesson in failure:  You are not alone.

It is easy to think that we are the only ones out there “sucking it up” (did I have a word quota on the word suck today?) but we really aren’t. When we are in a world where people only post the best of themselves it feels like we are falling behind. Remind yourself that everyone struggles. Maybe not in the same way but they have their own failures that they deal with. They also have to struggle and push through. Social media can be a good reminder to us that we only see the surface. I like to post both… My failures and my successes. I never know who it will encourage. One is to let them know that they are not alone and the other is that you can get past the struggle.

The fourth lesson in failure:  Somethings are out of your control, but you can make your own luck.

My friend once told me that if it wasn’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all! haha. I have to agree a bit. I’ve had a contractor make a roof that leaked but  he didn’t fix it so I had to pay for repairs. The front of my house started to sink. I got in a car accident. My dog had to get surgery and I was out of sorts for a month worrying about him. I then had to get surgery and I was scared. Then my husband got fired twice.

Let me tell you it has been a roller coaster.

There were days that I spent in bed. The days I let my depression win. Then there were the days were I got up and told myself that this wasn’t the end. I still had fight left within me.

I stood up for myself more and more. I was able to get the raise that I wanted and I was able to pitch an agent that wasn’t available to me. This took a lot out of me. I had to be a bit confrontational… And I’m not… at all.

But I realized there are somethings in life that I can prevent. I can stick up for. Somethings require money I don’t have (like a lawyer for the contractor on my roof) but I can’t let that negativity fill me anymore. I have to try and find ways to “make my own luck” because I know there are not going to be any handouts for me. ha!

 

Those are just a few things that are on my mind especially these last few months where I am starting a new series. I haven’t had the brain space to be very creative. As I start writing my fourth book I need to remember to just keep pushing forward.

This theme for the festival these next few days is about expressing ourselves. It has always been my goal to encourage you. I’m going to be going on a crazy journey in these next few months and I hope I’ll get to see you there next October when I publish my first book!

For now I’ll leave you with a bit of a teaser of my bookcover. (Sorry for the low quality screen shot of the cover…)

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This world is awesome and these characters are about to go forth and make a mess… Like all good characters should!

So in the end, go forth and fail!

Then get up and try again!

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Artwork Reveal

So this blog is still about anime… right? ha… ha… ha…

Okay I’m getting back into gear. But for now I’m excited to show you all the commissioned work I got done for my author page and blog page!

I had this wonderful work done by Tanya Hales

I wanted a plus size commission that had a bit of my sass… or sarcasm whatever you prefer. Also my bowl of kimchi is still in my photo which I was super excited about. She was great to work with and I’m excited to use this art for my author webpage and my blog!

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I’m getting things organized the best I can. I will probably make posts on my journey to indie publishing next year and still blog about my love of 2D boys since that is something that I will be infected (I mean affected?) with for the rest of my life.

In the mean time I’m still enjoying every ones posts and I hope that some of my creative brain will go back to blogging. Not that it going to my books is a bad thing, but I need more anime in my life!

Happy Watching!

Only 50 in blog posts- not in years…

These last two weeks in blogger land I’ve had to play a bit of catch up with reading posts and I hope I didn’t miss any. The wordpress reader tends to be fickle like that. I am still living off the conference high and this last weekend was amazing! Not only were all the writers super friendly I met some amazing people and I can’t wait to see what they do in the future.

I’m still a bit blurry eyed since I drove through the night to get home. Paying for hotels for these conferences can be a killer so I tried to save a bit of money lol.

Once again thank you all for your supportive comments and reading your posts helped me get a bit of a break since networking can be super weird for an introvert.

The first conference, I didn’t get asked to send any pages. At that moment those editors and agents weren’t looking for a story like mine. There is a bit of luck throw in to trying to get published traditionally and if your genre isn’t being bought then it can be even harder.

However, this last conference I got a request for 50 pages to be sent. That was a nice feeling and I’m excited to send off my little pages and see if anything happens. I guess I’m better at verbal pitching which is a bit funny to me. Since sometimes it can go a bit like this…

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If any of you are familiar with the publishing word most agencies only take on about 2% new clients requests every year. So even if you get pages requested it is still a bit of a long shot. And like I said before… Most publishers aren’t buying urban fantasy right now so most agents will not want to take me on at the moment.

In the end, I feel this lovely feeling of hope inside of me. I know it is a long hard road to get published, but I’m so excited about writing and my book that I just can’t help but feeling happy. For each form rejection letter I get and add to the pile I just feel even more motivated. It is weird… Last year a rejection would have crushed me. But I’ve come to realize that writing is what I love and as long as I am writing the other thing tend to fall to the side. Giving up isn’t an option. Not writing isn’t an option. Just have to keep going.

Now that my conference trips are done for now, I’ll be back to the regular world of blogging and watching anime. This was kind of a weird 50th blog post…

But!

But!

But!

I will share something special with you all! I went on deviant art and found an artist to draw my main character in my book! Jéssica Pegoraro took on my commission and did a beautiful job! If any of you want her email for commissions just shoot me a message and I will send it your way!

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I know it may sound a bit silly, but I wanted to get my main character drawn… She had been living in my head for so long it is really fun to see her. I may commission the rest of my main characters as well.

So I will get back to writing and anime watching and I hope you all have been well!

Happy Watching!

Spring Roll

It is a theory that if I mention food more people will be likely to click on my post? Did it work? Before I leave again for another conference I thought I would talk about a few of my favorites so far this spring season.

  1. Wotakoi:  Love is Hard for Otaku

I am so happy that I saw some of you posting about this, without your posts I never would have watched or heard of this anime. For me this has been the top show that I’ve been looking forward to each week and I’m so sad when each episode is over.

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I love the fact that this is a romance that is out of high school. It is nice to see something with adults. Also the main character is really easy for me to relate to. I know what it is like to hide what I’m interested in so I won’t feel judge. It was a slow process (now that I have anime posters in my classroom the cat is out of the bag… no going back). She reminds me of myself.

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When she meets a guy who knows that she is an otaku… It is hard to admit your love for something. Being judge by others is a real fear. I think the more I step out and admit to my weirdness the more free I feel. It took awhile to get to that point.

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This anime has the sweetest romantic moments and the humor so far is laugh out loud hilarious. If you aren’t watching this anime, you really are missing out. So I hope you give this one a shot.

2. Crossing Time episode 3

Okay so my number 2 choice is a single episode. This one is all shorts and the first two have been eh… I’m so happy I stuck around for the third one though. I think it is because I’m a teacher, but this one was cute and funny and if you don’t watch any other episode from this anime take a shot at the third one.

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Although I probably only think it is funny since I’m an awkward adult…

3. Megalobox

After getting a few comedies in I am really liking and totally buying the badass moments that this anime gives me. I am eating it up.

I love the dystopian-like world. I’m liking the character. The music is on point. I’m really hoping this one delivers in the end. I’m all on board with gearless Joe.

 

Those are my top three so far this year, I’m still watching a lot of the others but I wanted to shout out these three quickly.

Personal Update:

Conference one is done and I’m leaving this afternoon for conference two. I got my rejections last week. They liked what I had but it is not what they are looking for at the moment. So I’m dusting myself off and headed out again.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement while I was gone. Coming back to seeing your reasons why made my heart so full. The rejections didn’t hurt so bad when I saw how I’m surrounded by such wonderful and dedicated people. Thank you for listing your reasons. I’ve felt so uplifted this week and if I need to collect 1000 rejections before I get a yes, I know I have an awesome community in all of you cheering me on.

Thank you and Happy watching :).

Thank You Followers/My Reasons Why Award

There were plans for a special post when I reached 200 followers. This post is not only to thank you all so much for following me but the post concept changed from what I originally planned it to be. So please hang with me for a moment and I hope you understand my words and my heart behind this post. This will be a post of just words and I hope they reach you.

I am so thankful to each and every follower. In my dreams I never imagined to have even a single person read my ramblings and somewhat messy words. I’m still trying to improve at my self editing… It is a learning process. I would like have a few special thank yous that helped me continue with this blog when it was just supposed to be a nine week project.

First thanks to tetrax4berium for being my very first follower! I hope you return soon and wish you luck with all that is going on with your life.

Second thanks to Karandi for being my very first like! I was surprised that anyone found my blog. What a huge part of the aniblogging world you are and thank you for always encouraging those who just are starting.

Third thanks to Ospreyshire who really started on my commenting and I had many interesting conversations with at the start of my blog. He helped me think about being a member who does more than just like posts but to engage in the community of bloggers.

Fourth thanks to Arthifis for nominating me for my first every award on wordpress. I was so shocked and honored.

Thank you all so much for your comments, for your nominations, and for just being you. I’ve read and enjoyed your words so much I don’t think I can even put it into words. You all have been vulnerable, open, and honest. There is a theme of books, anime, comics, passion, and uniqueness that can be so overwhelming. This is truly a wonderful positive place on the internet and everyone should be proud of the community that they have created here. Thank you. Thank you so much.

So in honor of my wonderful 200 followers I am creating an award for wordpress. I don’t even know if it is legal, but this had been on my heart and I hope you read the background and understand why.

 

Some may or may not remember that I am a teacher. I work in a high school and it comes with its daily troubles and joys. I will be honest with you. My heart is breaking for my students. In the last two months four students have taken their lives. A sad feeling of desperation have filled the halls of my high school. A sense of powerlessness has filled the hearts of the teachers and students. Steps are being taken and in trying to reach all those around us, we feel like failures. How can I show my students that they are loved and important on a daily bases? How badly will I fail? Will I say the wrong thing or stay silent at the wrong moment?

These and more all all thoughts that have filled my mind in these last two months. I have been open on here about my own attempt at suicide and what it took for me to crawl and claw my way up again. It is odd to think that I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for one text sent at the right time when I asked my friend a question. “What is the point of all this?” He answered, not telling me to grow up or get over it or forcing me to be happy. He listened and got down on my level and related to me. Human to human. Agreeing that life can be a shitstorm, but trying to remember the good parts of people and that there is still something to live for.

There was a post by Lina that talked about making a list of reasons. This award is going to be about making your reasons. Your reasons why to keep living- to keep going. Maybe at this point you don’t have an issue with depression and that is okay. Sometimes it is still good to think of all the good things in your life. Maybe you think that you have nothing and you can’t make a list of reasons. I’m going to tell you now that THERE IS NO SMALL REASON. Dig deep. Deeper if you must. There is always a reason for you to keep going and living and breathing. Maybe one of your reasons to live is that so in the morning you can eat bacon. That you will stay alive just to eat bacon again. To me this isn’t a small or silly reason. It is true to yourself and if you are every going through a rough time maybe the smallest reason will reach your heart.

So here are the rules you copy and paste:

1. Mention the person who nominated you

2. List 13 reasons why you keep going/living (This is borrowed from the book but I’m taking it the opposite direction).

3. Nominate 10 or more people to give their reasons why.

4. Use the picture that I created in your post. I’m sorry that I’m a bit bad a making these things… But I tried 🙂

Now, without further adieu here are my reasons:

  1. My four beautiful dogs. They have all been rescued and show me on a daily bases what selfless love it. Some of them have been abused and yet they trust humans and will give all the love they have in their hearts. I really don’t deserve them.
  2. My college friends. I don’t have a huge circle of people who like/know me, but in my small circle I found people who are open about their struggles and we support each other even though we are far away.
  3. Anime. There is something wonderful about this form of entertainment. It makes me think, laugh, and enjoy sometime the ridiculous.
  4. Books/manga Books have been my first true friends, maybe that is silly but they’ve always provided adventure when I’ve felt stuck in one place. Friends when I was alone. Also I have so many ongoing manga that I am following that there is no way I don’t want to be on this earth to finish some of these stories!
  5. My family. I haven’t been close to my brothers, but some of that is starting to change and I want to see where the relationships will go. My mother and father have been my first fans and I’m fortunate to have family that will support me. I know this isn’t the case with everyone.
  6. My writing community. This is for the other authors I have meet at conferences that have encouraged me and are the reason why I have started writing. Now that writing is in my life my depression has faded so much. It is something that bring me frustration and joy. It is amazing creating something and without it in my life I was so lost.
  7. WordPress. We all have our quirks with wordpress haha, but without it I would never have found this community of glorious nerds. Freedom to talk about anime and all the things I never get a chance to talk about in real life.
  8. My job. As frustrating as being a teacher can be there are great rewards involved. It is my hope to reach and inspire students to be happy with who they are. Free to love who and what they want. Never to judge them for liking the things they like. I know what it is like to be called weird and I never want them to get that feeling from me.
  9. Writing. Just the fact that I can write. That I have stories and adventures in my head. That I have hope when I write. That I believe in magic.
  10. Pasta 🙂 Gosh something about pasta just makes me happy. I love the taste and especially if my mom makes it haha!
  11. Quiet moment. Sometimes when I write I look out my window and just seeing the wind blow through the trees and watching the fat pigeons in the backyard. It is a peaceful moment.
  12. Hot Fries. The snack that I love to hate… If you have eaten these you will understand…
  13. You. You are my reason. Thank you for being you. There is no one like you in the world. I hope you see the good in yourself and believe in yourself to keep going. If you ever, ever need someone please send a message. Write a post. I pray you will find the warmth in this life. Know that darkness can be so hard to survive, but you go on and keep living. That is what makes you, you.

I nominate:

Arthifis

Irina

CouchCruisin

Jon Spencer

nesha e moe404

Chizurue

Ospreyshire

Auri

ARCHI-ANIME

The Otaku Judge

The Moyatorium

Aldael

Karandi

Komorebi

Lina

Crimson

The BookWorm Drinketh

Angelica

Kitty-chlo

I went a bit nomination crazy. In the end I think you all are awesome and there is no pressure to make a post. If anything I want you to think of these things and maybe write them down on your own. Even if I didn’t and you want to make this post, I hope you will. You don’t need to have a nomination to write down your reasons. If I had the stamina I would link all 204 followers. At this point my fingers are giving out :).

Thank you all once again. I cannot say it enough. Thank you all for being my reasons to stay on this earth. I hope you all know how special you are to me. I may not be the best spoken or written but once again I hope my heart reaches you. As always…

Happy watching :).