We all take breaks.
We all need breaks.
In the last few months I’ve been back and gone and back and gone and back and gone… Well you get the point.
Why so many breaks Kimchi?
I wish I could pinpoint it to one thing really. But when things happen they happen all at once. Then you don’t notice that you are falling until you’ve reach the bottom.
From there you still have a choice. You can rise up or keep falling down.
Sometimes you can’t do it on your own.
I’ve been open about my struggle with suicide and depression. It is a miracle that I am here today. Due to my dear friend answering my text, it was the life line I needed and I grabbed on with shaking hands and a still empty heart.
In these last few years I formed groups with other writers. We video chat on a weekly basis. We talk about our writing, help each other with writers block, and support each other when we need it.
These last few months I was riding high in January after finishing my third book and I really saw it as my best work yet, which made me so excited to see improvement.
Then I tried to start the next book.
It was slow going but I was getting there. Then I stopped.
Then I got sick.
Then I got into more debt due to health.
Three things kept me afloat these years. I had three goals I was working on and as long as one was going strong I felt like the depression was kept at bay.
Writing. Heath. Paying off debt.
Then in March all three went to shit.
Then I started to stay in bed. Part of me almost realized what was happening. I would go to work (barely it look me forever to get out of bed in the morning). Then I would come home and stay in bed. No yoga, no writing. I guess in my defense I was very sick but you know even things that are out of your control just add more to the pile.
Last week my mind started a dangerous game.
It started to tell me to give up writing. It told me that there was no point since no one would read my books. My mind told me that I shouldn’t bother since I will never be as good as so and so. My mind told me to give up something that brought me so much joy in the last few years. It told me to quit.
This time I had backup. I had writers gathered around me to support me. They were going through the same things as me. I wasn’t alone anymore. They asked me what they could do to help me. Honestly just seeing their faces every week helped me.
I knew I couldn’t give up writing. My depression isn’t going to win this round. Even though I had to put aside this book to work on something different. I didn’t lose.
It is a battle. All the time. It is a battle we have to fight. I will say it a thousand times. If you feel like you ever need someone to talk to send me a message. I want you to know that you are not alone.
March ended like a lion for me. However, I’m back on track and I know that I have a tribe to back me up.
And all you wonderful anime nerds to hang out with. You are part of my tribe and I’m thankful to have something like this in my life. I can’t promise I won’t disappear again but I want you to know I’m fighting. Thank you for being you :).